Stray thoughts…

Stray thoughts…

Ive been in the worst of moods all day this week and i often wonder why its when i’m in the worst of moods i seem to get my thoughts words together on pen and paper… Or in this case, on a blog???

Perhaps sadness or depression or any other clinical term for those words is my muse? Yes? No? Ok then…

Those who used to read and follow my blog should not see this as some sorta comeback. No it isn’t, i really just need a place to clear my head and focus on whats important to me right now i guess.

I seem to believe that God is testing my patience. I’m not mad, i mean it’ll be stupid of me to be mad at God. But i really just wish all this would kinda fast forward itself and i’ll see the end.

My friends say to me ‘oh you’re one of the strongest people i know’. I smile to myself and say to myself ‘an object is only as strong as its weakest point’… Dont just read that statement and see things from the surface. Really read and understand what i mean…

I have too many weak points, i mask them and cover them with all sorts of things so no one can notice. Good yeah??? Nah!! Bad!! Cos one day you’ll realise you’ve used up all your energy being strong and then you’re to weak to keep holding on and then just like that, you begin to lose focus, lose sight of whats important, you begin to think less and less, and all those things that you think matter, they all become pointless and vague.

I guess i’m putting this here so i can read it again and remember all the things i do to keep me strong. My mum says when times in your life are the hardest, only means a calm is on the way. I hope she’s right (she probably is… Nah! She most definitely is).

Ok, thats that with my stray thoughts. Now i have a reminder here, something to always remind me not to lose sight of whats really important.

PS: sorry to those whose calls and messages ive ignored. I really just need to be on my own.

😘

NOTICE: I’ve stopped caring!!!!

Yes, I’ve bloody stopped caring.

Its fucking annoying when people take me for granted.

I can be nice, really nice but if I give you and inch and you decide to go the extra mile – your freaking loss!!!

My tolerance for bullshit is pretty freaking low…

Maybe a bit high for people I care about

But doesn’t change the fact that people still misuse the opportunity.

I mean how do you explain why I will be trying to reach you for a week.

Sent bbms that didn’t get delivered…

Made phone calls that were not answered.

One week later, your excuse – BIS was off.

Ok that explains the bbms. What about the freaking phone calls???

Oh well, I’ve stopped caring!!!

Or how do you explain how you’ve been trying to start over with a certain friend

And just when you think, oh cool, this will work

(POW) right back to where we started

Amina has stopped caring!!!

I’m done trying to be nice to everyone.

Its tiring

Its stressful

Its tasking

I’m not calling out to no one.

Its your turn to reach out to me.

Its 5.24am, I’m pissed and right now, I’ve stopped caring.

So if I’m worth anything to you at all, you know what to do…

love? lust? or just the desire to be with someone?

Love? Lust? Attraction? Or just that desire to be with someone?

Who says you have to be in love?

Who says you have to be in a relationship?

Must I have a companion?

Yes… Society says so.

I doubt if I’ve fully grasped what love is

My mum tried to explain to me the other day

And I went :s :/ (confused face)

She talked about sacrifices

And change

And putting the person before you

….

I didn’t want to argue with her

I didn’t see her views.

Why do I have to change for someone

If you really love me, you would accept me for who I am

If I really love you, I’ll be willing to accept your flaws

Perhaps no one is ever truly in love

Maybe we are all just in a lustful attraction

One big desire to get attention from someone

In a relationship just so you can blurt

I LOVE YOU

Oh fuck that!!!!

Don’t be such a baby

Putting someone before you???? Hard

Don’t make it sound like a piece of cake.

But what do I know????

I’m just someone who probably will never…

…Never truly grasp the meaning of love

Silence

‘Goodnight mum’…. ‘Goodnight dear, see you tomorrow’

The night takes it toll, the sun rises…

‘Tolani, wake up. Its time for school. Tolani, Tolani, Tolani, Tolannnniiiiiiiiiiiiiii’

DEATH!

‘Guy how far now? Make we race on top 3rd mainland bridge’… ‘Ah, Skillo u no say I go win u now’

Adrenalin pumps in, the excitement, speedometer keeps increasing…

Next minute, cars are crashing…

DEATH!!

‘Sweetheart, I have to be in Dubai for a meeting tomorrow, will be gone for s week’… ‘Must you go this week, please don’t leave me’

A lovers plight, a lover always knows. She tries to convince him to stay. He makes mockery out of her concerns. Thinks she’s just going to miss him.

‘Hello, am I speaking with Mrs Bodunde…. Your husband was involved in a plane crash. There were no survivors…

Her phone drops, her world crumbles….

DEATH!!!

A pregnant woman’s joy, her first baby. She’s excited. She has a list of baby names…

The labour doesn’t go as planned.

‘Madam, we have to do a Caesarian Section’… She agrees without thinking, a little scar was nothing compared to her having this baby…

Its like a movie theatre: lights, camera and action. She goes under the knife….

She’s awake hours later… ‘You lost the baby, there……..’

A mothers wail….

DEATH!!!!

Friends, friendship. Good friendship. Endless friendship. All that love shared… A night out wasn’t supposed to hurt.

Loud music, drinks, a lil flirting

‘Guys I can’t breathe… I can’t…..’

Emergency room. Confused looks. What went wrong? What happened????

‘Sorry, your friend had a heart attack, there was nothing more we could do, she didn’t make it’

People slump, some too shocked to speak… Life is unfair

DEATH!!!!!

‘ I don’t understand what’s wrong with him. He seems so different these days. Always sad’… Father grunts. Kids will always be kids he says. Perhaps all he wants is a little attention, an increase in pocket money.

Mother doesn’t get the joke. A mother always knows… Something wasn’t right…

Gun shots are heard. They run upstairs.

The sight they met was better left imagined…. How could he be so selfish?????

DEATH!!!!!!

Death. Death. Death.

It can’t be stopped.

Part of lifes design.

You can’t cheat it.

You can’t prepare for it….

You never know, it just comes

Sometimes peaceful

Sometimes not

But who am I to complain…

Its after all part of lifes big game!!!

….Hope y’all enjoyed the read.

What really matters???

Amidst tears… She holds my hands

I am quiet…unsure of what to say.

Innocently I ask, how do you feel?

She chokes on her tears…

I feel sorry for her and stupid at myself for asking such a question.

She looks at me ‘How do I feel?’ She asks

‘How do I feel’ she says?

I feel like my balloon of confidence just burst.

‘How can the one who makes you so happy, be the same one who makes you cry?’

You’re only allowed to do one – make me happy or make me sad.

‘You see’ she said. ‘Sometimes I cannot explain’

‘Perhaps it is because I have done to same to others before him. Maybe this is my reward.’

‘Fortunately or is it unfortunate, that I have chose to fall in love with him? Chosen him to be my one and only? That no matter what he does, or what he says, I’ll still stay?’

I look at her puzzled. I do not understand the gibberish she speaks. What is all this about the same person making you happy and making you sad? That is not what I thought ‘love’ would feel like…

You see unlike her, I have no experience.

She breaks into sobs

I roll my eyes while she’s not watching. I want to just leave her there to wallow in her tears.

‘He pokes at my confidence constantly’

I do not understand her you see, she is one of the strongest women I know

It is for reasons like this I chose not to love

I mean who could love me better than me?

I wasn’t devoid if emotion, I was just different

Seeing her cry made me want to yawn and sleep

‘You don’t get me, do you?’

I looked away

I did not want to get caught up in all her emotion

If he makes you feel so sad, why don’t you leave him?

The regret I felt after I asked that question

The unbearable look she gave me?

“How could you ask such of me” she wailed

Love is all that matters

….With that I closed the book I was reading!!!

Ok, two posts in two days, I aint promising I’ll do this more often, but I do have a couple of poems stored up somewhere

Concrete Walls

I’m surrounded, surrounded by concrete walls

I am what I am no more, perhaps what I’ll never be

I am just as strong as my weak can get

I am a sponge soaking it all in

Gradually the sponge fills up and begins to drip

I am surrounded by concrete walls…

So high I can’t climb over

So strong I can’t break through

If I try I might hurt myself

I’m my weakness, I’m my strength

In the words of Amir Suleiman

“I’m a dead man walking

a mute man talking

a blind man watching”

I am surrounded my concrete walls

Figment of my imagination turning into reality

Dark moments – but the moon comes before the sun

So perhaps the sun will rise soon

The change between this moment is more than just a 24 hour hour-glass

More than just a blink of an eye

More than just a bloody light at the end of a tunnel

I am surrounded by a concrete wall

Stuck inside a maze I created

Fell into my own loop hole

Searching for that back door

I fear I may be lost in the maze forever

Stuck in this limbo

Trying to determine what’s real and what’s not

I am surrounded by a concrete wall

Surrounded… Surrounded

Hope y’all enjoyed the read

So i missed two days…

*imagine, so nobody loves me sef*

so i didnt do my challenge for two days and nobody even tried to find out what was wrong with me

and you people will be here forming

‘OMG!! I LOVE YOUR BLOG!! YOU ROCK’

na so!

*hiss*

only @captafolly and @nerdychique care about me

…

the rest of you can keez my natural black yansh

*amina shrug* 

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30 day challenge – Day VI

My Views On Mainstream Music

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